During our journey into the lifestyle, we have noticed an increase in our sexual appetite and the amount of sex we have. It started about a year or so after we were done having kids and we were finally catching our breath and our footing on being parents, juggling our careers and connecting as a couple. We knew we were done having sex to have kids and it was time to focus on us.

As we were in the middle of the chaos of parenting life we decided to make it a point that every Friday night we would have a date night. We knew we weren’t really going out that much being new parents. So we made the best of it and realized that Friday nights would be our way to have the kids in bed early, put something sexy and comfortable on and enjoy a bottle of wine together. We knew this was our date night to connect. Let’s be honest, date night is code for having sex.

This led to excitement throughout the week. We had something to look forward to, a goal. Leave work at work, try to have the house clean as possible (a major turn on for both of us), and make every effort to be ready for a fun night of connecting and passionate sex. It was these hot and passionate nights that led to maybe having a little too much wine and us whispering to each other about our fantasies and being honest of what may be on our mind. It took a lot of time to talk through things.

However, even though we had our set date night, it didn’t mean we only had sex one night a week. Sometimes we had spontaneous sex or realized we had 10 minutes and had a quickie. Perhaps it isn’t always sex with fireworks but maintenance sex at times. But one thing has been constant for years for us, and from what we have heard from others is men and women are wired differently when it comes to sex. Now this is our experience so your relationship may differ.

One thing that we talked about for years is the light switch vs. the iron. It’s a metaphor that we heard years ago, very early in our marriage. We heard a saying that men are like light switches, where you just flip the switch and they ‘turn on’ and they are ready to go. Women are more like an iron, where you have to not only plug the iron in, but allow the iron to warm up. Without proper preparation, the iron won’t work if you don’t allow it time to set, warm up and adjust the proper settings. It may sound like a silly analogy but it is something that has stuck with us for well over twenty years at this point. Each person may be different, but for us, the “iron” warms up when the house is clean, the room is set for a nice night, a nice glass of wine is served. Sometimes it’s a slow build throughout the day. In the middle of cleaning the house on a weekend you lean in and kiss your partner on the cheek. You whisper something sweet or naughty in their ear. You do the laundry and fold the laundry as well. We know the iron vs the light switch analogy is not a measure of all men or women by any means. But it really stuck with us in terms of making things work for us.

Traditionally there are two big topics that couples argue over, finances and sex. While we are happy to share that we read up on our mutual fund performances over our coffee. We can fully admit we have had disagreements on how we initiate sex.

We have been married over twenty years and together even longer and there are times we will be having a discussion about sex and Mrs. Swanilla will say “how long have we been together? Did you forget that a clean house or dinner ready for the kids pretty much gets me in the mood?”


We have talked about this over the years and have wondered what works for others? Is analogy true? Do you approach things differently? What does your partner do to help set the mood or what could they do more often to get you in the mood more often?